Author Archives: Patrick Cole

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About Patrick Cole

Husband, parent and writer. Sharing stories with a little humor and wisdom along the way.

Dec 6 – Trust & Forgiveness

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trust and forgiveness

marriage is a tough, tough gig

life’s a stormy sea

Four quotes inform today’s senryu:

Kevin Costner once said, “I try to conduct my life with a certain amount of dignity and discretion — but marriage is a hard, hard gig,” Read More: https://www.thelist.com/1331805/signs-kevin-costner-christine-baumgartner-never-going-to-last/

“Marriage has become a lonely life raft in a storm-tossed sea.” Stephen Mintz, PhD. http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-prime-life/201606/why-marriages-are-so-difficult-sustain

“Broken trust in marriage

If trust has been broken in a marriage, there can be severe consequences beyond the end of the marriage. But let’s back up and see if the situation can be helped or modified towards a different conclusion.

First, if something has happened and there is mistrust in a marriage, both partners have to want to mend what is broken. Frank conversations are needed to tackle a lack of trust in a relationship.

Both people must speak openly about what has happened to break the trust in the marriage. It simply does not work unless both are engaged in rectifying what has occurred.

It will take effort and some compromise from both people. Regardless of the cause, forgiveness must be part of the equation if the marriage continues.

If forgiveness cannot be achieved and the lack of trust in a relationship persists, it is better to seriously consider ending the relationship and moving on. …

There are several potential reasons for the lack of trust in your relationship. Mainly, these come from unresolved childhood pain, unmet needs, and unrealistic expectations. The key is to partner up with someone who has similar values so that you can create a unified future. 

Resolving a lack of trust will take time, but it is possible if both are willing to change. Sometimes that means getting some external support and guidance through individual or couples’ therapy. 

Clearly, at some point, you have to decide what’s right for you and whether the relationship is worth the fight. Either way, the decision is yours, so don’t let distrust ruin your life. Learn from it, make whatever changes you need, and keep looking forward.” Rachael Pace at http://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/lack-of-trust-in-a-relationship/

Dec 5 – Trust 102

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My quest to better understand and practice trust continues with today’s senryu.

It’s true, I need help.

Being vulnerable

is so hard for me.

brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/

Brene’ Brown employs the BRAVING acronym to explain how she understands trust. The twenty-three-minute video (found at the URL shown above) is well worth the time. In short, the acronym stands for boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, nonjudgment, and generosity. Have a pen and paper handy because you will want to take some notes. That said the two most important things for me were:

  • Vault stands for holding confidences, keeping personal information safe and not gossiping.
  • Don’t trust someone who doesn’t trust themself. Brene’ quotes Maya Angelou who said “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves but say ‘I love you.'” Maya Angelou went on to share an African proverb: Be wary of a naked man offering you a shirt.

In other words, we have to trust ourselves first before we can trust others and be trustworthy to others. Self-love, self-love, self-respect are all critical components of building and maintaining trust.”

Three popular Brene’ Brown quotes:

“We need to trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust.”

“Trust is earned in the smallest of moments. It is earned not through heroic deeds, or even highly visible actions, but through paying attention, listening, and gestures of genuine care and connection.”

“Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”

http://www.thedailyshifts.com/blog/25-popular-brene-brown-quotes-on-empathy-shame-and-trust

Dec 4 – Trust 101

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I have been encouraged to study and practice the definitions of trust.

One definition is “Consistency over time is trust” credited to Microsoft CEO, Satya Nadella in his book, Hit Refresh: The Quest to Rediscover Microsoft’s Soul and Imagine a Better Future for Everyone. Clearly, doing the same thing over and over again will build a reputation of reliability. Repetitive behavior can be counted on to not surprise others; this definition of trust might be synonymized as being “solid and dependable.”

Another definition of trust offered in an internet search is perhaps a more metaphysical one. “We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” –Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life

So, today’s senryu is:

to build trust, let’s be

open and reliable

no surprises, please

Dec 3 – A Companion Shortens a Road

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Some things don’t make sense until they’re over. In the meantime, friends, human and more-than-human, make life tolerable.

Shiba – photo by author

what will be, will be

years have flown so why pretend

it doesn’t matter

Three muses informed today’s senryu.

“Does Pinocchio turn into a real boy?

In the last moments of the film, as the newfound family walks out together, Jiminy Cricket comes to the end of his narration. He says that many stories were told about Pinocchio, with some claiming he becomes a real flesh-and-bone boy. However, Jiminy doesn’t know if that ever happened. But he says it doesn’t matter. What matters is that Pinocchio was brave, truthful and unselfish and that made him as real a boy as any!“ http://www.thereviewgeek.com/pinocchio2022-endingexplained/

It’s a Long Road to Freedom by Miriam Therese Winter

It’s a long road to freedom, a winding steep and high
But when you walk in love with the wind on your wing
And cover the earth with the songs you sing
The miles fly by

I walked one morning by the sea
And all the waves reached out to me
I took their tears, then let them be

I walked one morning at the dawn
When bits of night still lingered on
I sought my star, but it was gone

I walked one morning with a friend
And prayed the day would never end
The years have flown so why pretend

genius.com/Medical-mission-sisters-its-a-long-road-to-freedom-lyrics

irisharoundtheworld.com/irish-proverbs/

Giorraíonn beirt bother. A companion shortens a road.

When a friend helps time pass on a journey.

ETTA PEARL & IT ALL BEGINS WITH UNION

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her blindness and his ignorance

her deafness and his magical thinking

her dementia and his futility

our connection and our rescue

Here are two different topics that totally connect for me.

First, Etta Pearl was the first rescue dog I adopted. Found near a dumpster, lost or abandoned, she needed and received help. Unfortunately, she was blind and deaf and very agitated. For some convoluted reason, I thought I was ready to take on this challenge.

I’ve since learned that there’s a term for when a rescue shelter wants to help an animal but knows they are extremely medically challenged AND they don’t want to hurt their statistics for being a “no-kill facility.” The term is outsourced euthanasia.

If a private individual adopts an animal and then proceeds with a vet-recommended end-of-life procedure, then the animal is “liberated” from their suffering AND the rescue shelter does not record the death on their records.

In Etta Pearl’s case, her extreme agitation led to obsessively walking in tight circles and biting anyone who tried to comfort or feed her. The vet said it was a clear case of canine cognitive dysfunction aka “doggie dementia.” My first rescue adoption lasted less than three weeks.

Second, is …

Richard Rohr‘s Daily Meditation
From the Center for Action and Contemplation
Week Forty-Eight: The Prophetic Path: Motivated by Love

It All Begins with Union
 
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 
—Romans 8:38–39

This week we focus on people who call us to act out of loving union with God for the sake of others. Father Richard considers union with God as something that has already taken place, whether we experience it or not:

We are already in union with God! There is an absolute, eternal union between God and the soul of everything. At the deepest level, we are “hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3) and “the whole creation … is being brought into the same glorious freedom as the children of God” (Romans 8:21). The problem is Western religion has not taught us this. For most Christians that I’ve worked with as a priest, God is still separate and “out there.” Most people are still trying to secure God’s approval. Our ego over-emphasizes our individuality and separateness from God and others. We limited God’s redemption to the human species—and not very many individuals within that species! [1]

Daily contemplative prayer helps us rediscover our inherent union and learn how to abide in Presence, trusting that we are already good and safe in God. We don’t have to worry about our little private, separate, insecure self. Jesus taught, I am one with you and you are one with your neighbor and we are all one with God. That’s the gospel! That’s the whole point of Communion or Eucharist; we partake of the bread and wine until they convince us that we are in communion. It seems easier for God to convince bread and wine of their identity than to convince us.

Believe it or not, we’re not here to save our souls. That’s already been done once and for all—in Christ, through Christ, with Christ, and as Christ (see Ephesians 1:3–14). By God’s love, mercy, and grace, we are already the Body of Christ: the one universal body that has existed since the beginning of time. You and I are here for just a few decades, dancing on the stage of life, perhaps taking our autonomous selves far too seriously. That little and clearly imperfect self just cannot believe it could be a child of God. I hope the gospel frees us to live inside of a life that is larger than the one our small selves have imagined. The larger life of the Body of Christ cannot be taken from us. It is the very life of God which cannot be destroyed. [2]

As Thomas Merton wrote in his journal, “We are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are.” [3]
 
[1] Adapted from Richard Rohr, Emotional Sobriety: Rewiring Our Programs for “Happiness” (Albuquerque, NM: Center for Action and Contemplation, 2011), webcast. Available as MP3 audio download.

[2] Adapted from Richard Rohr, “There Is Only One Suffering; There Is Only One Happiness,” homily, September 13, 2015. 

[3] Thomas Merton, The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton, ed. Naomi Burton, Patrick Hart, James Laughlin (New York: New Directions, 1973), 308. Rohr’s emphasis.

Nov 23 – Be Thankful for Pets

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Today, I am especially mindful of the lost loved animal companions that have passed since this time last year. For me, that includes two cats and two dogs: Leezy, Lexie, Tilly and Zorro.

I’m also remembering the cats and dogs that have been honored by sister and brother grief companions in the St. Louis region. They are Duke, Ellie, Journi Ray, Kitty, Lovey-Dovey, Maggie, Moses, Sangria, Stella, Stewie, Sunny Marie, Tully, and Whitey.

Below is a repost of a beautiful reminder of the many reasons we love our animal companions. Thank you, Katya Lidsky-Friedman, for all you do to recognize both human and more-than-human animals today.

Be Thankful for Pets: 10 Reasons to Be Grateful This Thanksgiving

BY KATYA LIDSKY-FRIEDMAN
On Thanksgiving, we all get to set aside some time to reflect and be thankful. To be grateful. To count our blessings and feel lucky for what we have. Hopefully, you can give thanks for your health, your loved ones, and your many achievements and opportunities. But how about your pets? Let’s all vow to give a special moment this holiday season to give thanks to our furry friends for the unique love they provide and the countless ways in which they enrich our lives. Here are 10 reasons to be grateful for pets this Thanksgiving.

1. They make us laugh.

Pets are always finding new ways to make us laugh. Whether they be old pets, new pets, or foster dogs and cats — we find ourselves in stitches over their hilarious antics. All pets have their own personalities, their own jokes, and their own way of being funny. Thank you to our four-legged friends for keeping us cracking up.

2. They keep us present.

Pets don’t live in the past or in the future. They’re living in the present like a furry little Buddha. They remind us to be mindful, to take deep breaths, to let go of past or future moments, and to be in the now. We thank pets for reminding us that the present is a gift.

3. They keep us company.

Who doesn’t love a good snuggle buddy to enjoy a good movie with? Pets make fantastic friends because they are simply masters of loyalty and companionship. It’s hard to be lonely when you have a devoted pal to spend your time with. We appreciate our furry friends for their incredible friendship.

4. They give us purpose.

Helping homeless pets feels good. It feels right. It feels worthy and meaningful because it is, in fact, worthy and meaningful. Because regardless of how you do it or how much time you have to share, giving back to animals is a wonderful way to volunteer and be of service. We’re thankful to help animals and, in turn, be given a mission we can believe in.

5. They make great teachers.

They’re non-judgemental. We can make mistakes in front of them and they don’t mind. They’re always there to lick away a tear or cuddle next to us when we need support. Pets allow us to learn as we go, to fail, and to be imperfect – and they love us anyway. We are indebted to animals for accepting us just as we are.

6. They keep us active.

Pets keep us active because they need regular walks, playtime, and socialization to keep both mentally and physically stimulated. Dogs make terrific running, walking, or hiking buddies. Cats love to play. By providing bunnies with a safe and enclosed area to frolic outside, rabbits can encourage us to soak up some sunshine. Horses pull us towards nature. High fives or high paws to all our pets for keeping us full of life and energy.

7. They challenge us.

Some pets are easier than others. Some are a more natural fit for your lifestyle. But we believe all animals deserve a chance at a happy life. Time and time again, we see that even pets who challenge us offer tremendous value and always reward us with as much as we put in. Whether it’s a more difficult pet with behavioral or health issues, a dog who takes extra time to smell the grass on a walk, or a kitty who just can’t get where the litterbox is, all animals require consistency, patience, and love from us in order to succeed. We get to become a team with our pets as we work with them.

8. They make us feel like rock stars.

Let’s be real — we all love how excited our pets get each and every time we come home. Even when you just step out of the shower, the display of adoration and dedication is good for the ego. Animals aren’t afraid or embarrassed to shower us with love and to show us how much we mean to them. We are so grateful to our dogs for making us feel as awesome and interesting as rock stars.

9. They make us better.

Our pets improve us in so many ways. Studies show that petting an animal can reduce a person’s heart rate as well as their blood pressure, and animals keep us physically healthier overall because they keep us moving. And the endless joy they bring increases our mental health. By focusing on positive reinforcement with our pets, we learn to pay attention to what we love about others, and it keeps us focusing on the good. Thanks to our pets for all the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual benefits they grant us.

10. They let live with gratitude.

Look at the list above. We thank our own pets and all pets for keeping us thankful. With their help, every day can be Thanksgiving.

Katya Lidsky is a published writer, host of “The Animal That Changed You” podcast, and a life coach for Dog People. 

11-22-23 – Seagull on a Dock

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As I prepare for Thanksgiving Day in America, it’s helpful to remind myself that everything in life matters. I hope you enjoy the holidays ahead. I hope you enjoy the poem below.

photo by author

SEAGULL ON A DOCK by Patrick J Cole

You may see the bird,

or the many posts beyond it.

You may even see the harbor shoreline not that far ahead 

or the ripples on the water below

or heavily clouded sky above.

But, if you don’t know me by now,

I see the birdshit splotches.

White artwork on the dock

that tells me this is real.

No lotus without the mud.

No seagull without the birdshit.

No love without grief.

No joy without suffering.

Nov 8 – There Will Be Dogs in My Future

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if we are lucky

a dog will give us their smile

and our hearts will melt

Yesterday, I listed the many lost companion animals of my past; most of them were dogs, dearly beloved dogs.

A good friend is a part-time palm reader. They recently read my palms and saw two very clear signs. First, there would be big dogs in my future and second, there would be small dogs. We both laughed.

I’m writing this on a very early Wednesday morning. In a couple of hours, I will be visiting the Stray Rescue of STL facility to walk dogs for the morning. It’s something I look forward to every week. One at a time, I will walk mixed breed dogs that have been abandoned and then rescued for hopeful re-homing.

Last Wednesday, I walked Goten, Supreme, Fury, Luck of the Irish and Pepto. Not sure who I will walk today. I’m always hopeful at least one of last week’s dogs will have been adopted or fostered in the meantime.

Here’s wishing you a day filled with joy and, if you’re lucky like me, a day that includes the love of a dog.

https://www.strayrescue.org/adopt-a-dog

Oct 28 – Fighting Societal Affective Disorder

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are you feeling SAD?

something might be wrong for you

check out your beliefs

I’m a huge fan of Rabbi Rami Shapiro and have a number of his books on addiction, religion, and social issues. Rabbi Rami also has a regular column in the Spirituality & Health ezine. See this site for his latest column: http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/fighting-societal-affective-disorder

Below are highlights from the article that most spoke to me. I highly encourage you, dear reader, to check out the full article.

Fighting Societal Affective Disorder

by  Rabbi Rami Shapiro

After a conversation with a seasonal affective disorder expert, Rabbi Rami ponders the affliction of societal affective disorder.

Reading Defeating SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder): A Guide to Health and Happiness through All Seasons (by) author Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal, I was struck with the notion that Western civilization may be going through its own version of SAD: not seasonal affective disorder, but societal affective disorder.

SAD is a “condition of regular depressions that occur in the fall and winter and typically remit in the spring and summer.” Among the common symptoms of seasonal affective disorder are a slowing down of thinking and action, sadness, increased anxiety, increased appetite, cravings for sweets and starches, greater need for sleep, and less interest in sex.

As I look at societal affective disorder, the symptoms are similar: lack of mental clarity and increase in irrationality; increase in fear, anger, hatred, and violence; increased appetite for conspiracy theories; scapegoating and othering of marginalized communities; cravings for empty rhetoric, spectacle, and bread and circuses; greater need for mind-numbing info-tainment; and less interest in sex accompanied by a rising obsession with homophobia, toxic masculinity, and misogyny….

(W)hy are so many people afraid of and violent toward the LGBTQ+ community? Because they believe the very existence of such people violates the will of God or laws of Nature.

Why do so many people hate Jews? Because they believe Jews are part of a millennia-old cabal that secretly runs the world to the detriment of [fill in your favorite racial, ethnic, or religious group].

Why do so many white people want to erase African-American history? Because they believe that the truth might lead to justice for Black people at the expense of white people.

If I’m right about this, one way to cure America of societal affective disorder is to examine the health of our beliefs. But be careful: Don’t assume that liberals’ beliefs are healthy, and conservatives’ beliefs are unhealthy. … We need another set of criteria when judging our beliefs. Let me suggest this preliminary list:

If your beliefs promote the thriving of all people regardless of race, sex, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc., they are probably healthy. If they don’t, they are probably unhealthy.

If your beliefs call you to acts of justice and compassion to serve the wellbeing of person and planet, they are probably healthy. If your beliefs make you anxious, angry, fearful, violent, and boorish, they are probably unhealthy.

If your beliefs are healthy, share them. If your beliefs are unhealthy, change them. In this way, we might do something to defeat the societal affective disorder that is threatening our democracy.

Rabbi Rami Shapiro is an award-winning author, essayist, poet, and teacher.