My quest to better understand and practice trust continues with today’s senryu.
It’s true, I need help.
Being vulnerable
is so hard for me.
brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/
Brene’ Brown employs the BRAVING acronym to explain how she understands trust. The twenty-three-minute video (found at the URL shown above) is well worth the time. In short, the acronym stands for boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, nonjudgment, and generosity. Have a pen and paper handy because you will want to take some notes. That said the two most important things for me were:
Vault stands for holding confidences, keeping personal information safe and not gossiping.
Don’t trust someone who doesn’t trust themself. Brene’ quotes Maya Angelou who said “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves but say ‘I love you.'” Maya Angelou went on to share an African proverb: Be wary of a naked man offering you a shirt.
In other words, we have to trust ourselves first before we can trust others and be trustworthy to others. Self-love, self-love, self-respect are all critical components of building and maintaining trust.”
Three popular Brene’ Brown quotes:
“We need to trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust.”
“Trust is earned in the smallest of moments. It is earned not through heroic deeds, or even highly visible actions, but through paying attention, listening, and gestures of genuine care and connection.”
“Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
I have been encouraged to study and practice the definitions of trust.
One definition is “Consistency over time is trust” credited to Microsoft CEO, Satya Nadella in his book, Hit Refresh: The Quest to Rediscover Microsoft’s Soul and Imagine a Better Future for Everyone. Clearly, doing the same thing over and over again will build a reputation of reliability. Repetitive behavior can be counted on to not surprise others; this definition of trust might be synonymized as being “solid and dependable.”
Another definition of trust offered in an internet search is perhaps a more metaphysical one. “We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” –Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life
Here are two different topics that totally connect for me.
First,Etta Pearl was the first rescue dog I adopted. Found near a dumpster, lost or abandoned, she needed and received help. Unfortunately, she was blind and deaf and very agitated. For some convoluted reason, I thought I was ready to take on this challenge.
I’ve since learned that there’s a term for when a rescue shelter wants to help an animal but knows they are extremely medically challenged AND they don’t want to hurt their statistics for being a “no-kill facility.” The term is outsourced euthanasia.
If a private individual adopts an animal and then proceeds with a vet-recommended end-of-life procedure, then the animal is “liberated” from their suffering AND the rescue shelter does not record the death on their records.
In Etta Pearl’s case, her extreme agitation led to obsessively walking in tight circles and biting anyone who tried to comfort or feed her. The vet said it was a clear case of canine cognitive dysfunction aka “doggie dementia.” My first rescue adoption lasted less than three weeks.
Second, is …
Richard Rohr‘s Daily Meditation From the Center for Action and Contemplation Week Forty-Eight: The Prophetic Path: Motivated by Love
It All Begins with Union
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. —Romans 8:38–39
This week we focus on people who call us to act out of loving union with God for the sake of others. Father Richard considers union with God as something that has already taken place, whether we experience it or not:
We are already in union with God! There is an absolute, eternal union between God and the soul of everything. At the deepest level, we are “hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3) and “the whole creation … is being brought into the same glorious freedom as the children of God” (Romans 8:21). The problem is Western religion has not taught us this. For most Christians that I’ve worked with as a priest, God is still separate and “out there.” Most people are still trying to secure God’s approval. Our ego over-emphasizes our individuality and separateness from God and others. We limited God’s redemption to the human species—and not very many individuals within that species! [1]
Daily contemplative prayer helps us rediscover our inherent union and learn how to abide in Presence, trusting that we are already good and safe in God. We don’t have to worry about our little private, separate, insecure self. Jesus taught, I am one with you and you are one with your neighbor and we are all one with God. That’s the gospel! That’s the whole point of Communion or Eucharist; we partake of the bread and wine until they convince us that we are in communion. It seems easier for God to convince bread and wine of their identity than to convince us.
Believe it or not, we’re not here to save our souls. That’s already been done once and for all—in Christ, through Christ, with Christ, and as Christ (see Ephesians 1:3–14). By God’s love, mercy, and grace, we are already the Body of Christ: the one universal body that has existed since the beginning of time. You and I are here for just a few decades, dancing on the stage of life, perhaps taking our autonomous selves far too seriously. That little and clearly imperfect self just cannot believe it could be a child of God. I hope the gospel frees us to live inside of a life that is larger than the one our small selves have imagined. The larger life of the Body of Christ cannot be taken from us. It is the very life of God which cannot be destroyed. [2]
As Thomas Merton wrote in his journal, “We are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are.” [3]
[1] Adapted from Richard Rohr, Emotional Sobriety: Rewiring Our Programs for “Happiness” (Albuquerque, NM: Center for Action and Contemplation, 2011), webcast. Available as MP3 audio download.
[2] Adapted from Richard Rohr, “There Is Only One Suffering; There Is Only One Happiness,” homily, September 13, 2015.
[3] Thomas Merton, The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton, ed. Naomi Burton, Patrick Hart, James Laughlin (New York: New Directions, 1973), 308. Rohr’s emphasis.
As I prepare for Thanksgiving Day in America, it’s helpful to remind myself that everything in life matters. I hope you enjoy the holidays ahead. I hope you enjoy the poem below.
photo by author
SEAGULL ON A DOCKby Patrick J Cole
You may see the bird,
or the many posts beyond it.
You may even see the harbor shoreline not that far ahead
I’m a huge fan of Rabbi Rami Shapiro and have a number of his books on addiction, religion, and social issues. Rabbi Rami also has a regular column in the Spirituality & Health ezine. See this site for his latest column:http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/fighting-societal-affective-disorder
Below are highlights from the article that most spoke to me. I highly encourage you, dear reader, to check out the full article.
SAD is a “condition of regular depressions that occur in the fall and winter and typically remit in the spring and summer.” Among the common symptoms of seasonal affective disorder are a slowing down of thinking and action, sadness, increased anxiety, increased appetite, cravings for sweets and starches, greater need for sleep, and less interest in sex.
As I look at societal affective disorder, the symptoms are similar: lack of mental clarity and increase in irrationality; increase in fear, anger, hatred, and violence; increased appetite for conspiracy theories; scapegoating and othering of marginalized communities; cravings for empty rhetoric, spectacle, and bread and circuses; greater need for mind-numbing info-tainment; and less interest in sex accompanied by a rising obsession with homophobia, toxic masculinity, and misogyny….
(W)hy are so many people afraid of and violent toward the LGBTQ+ community? Because they believe the very existence of such people violates the will of God or laws of Nature.
Why do so many people hate Jews? Because they believe Jews are part of a millennia-old cabal that secretly runs the world to the detriment of [fill in your favorite racial, ethnic, or religious group].
Why do so many white people want to erase African-American history? Because they believe that the truth might lead to justice for Black people at the expense of white people.
If I’m right about this, one way to cure America of societal affective disorder is to examine the health of our beliefs. But be careful: Don’t assume that liberals’ beliefs are healthy, and conservatives’ beliefs are unhealthy. … We need another set of criteria when judging our beliefs. Let me suggest this preliminary list:
If your beliefs promote the thriving of all people regardless of race, sex, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc., they are probably healthy. If they don’t, they are probably unhealthy.
If your beliefs call you to acts of justice and compassion to serve the wellbeing of person and planet, they are probably healthy. If your beliefs make you anxious, angry, fearful, violent, and boorish, they are probably unhealthy.
If your beliefs are healthy, share them. If your beliefs are unhealthy, change them. In this way, we might do something to defeat the societal affective disorder that is threatening our democracy.
Rabbi Rami Shapiro is an award-winning author, essayist, poet, and teacher.
Today is a good day to learn more about Ilia Delio. Check out the references below.
“God Is the Source of Our Life
When we search long and hard enough to know the source of our own lives and the source of life at the heart of creation, we discover that the whole creation is pregnant with God. To see, to contemplate and to be transformed so as to become what we love marks the path of Franciscan prayer. The problem today is that we love many things—our freedom, independence, financial wealth, status, power and whatever else our culture tells us will make us happy; thus, there is little room within us to fully embrace God. God, in a sense, has to push through all the things that clutter our lives in order to dwell within us. Franciscan prayer calls us back to poverty, penance, conversion and a heart full of mercy, values and attitudes that are counter-cultural but life-giving. Only when we acknowledge our need for God can we begin to find God. Prayer begins in the poverty of the desert and is the cry of the poor person who is far from home and seeks the way to the source of life.
“Masterfully written and intensely enlightening, Franciscan Prayer could very well be considered the essential handbook for all those seeking to pray and live the Franciscan way. With exquisite execution, Franciscan theologian Ilia Delio clearly outlines what it means to pray as a Franciscan. Through her experience as a discalced Carmelite nun and then her transformation into Franciscan scholar, Sister Delio brings to light the “contemplative,” “cosmic” and “evangelizing” aspects of Franciscan prayer.”
Bio
“Ilia Delio is a Franciscan Sister of Washington, D.C. and holds the Josephine C. Connelly Endowed Chair in Theology at Villanova University. A native of Newark, N.J., she earned doctorates in pharmacology from Rutgers University-School of Healthcare and Biomedical Sciences and in Historical theology from Fordham University, N.Y. She is the recipient of a Templeton Course in Science and Religion award and the author of twenty-two books, including The Unbearable Wholeness of Being, which won the 2014 Silver Nautilus Award and a Catholic Press Association Book Award. Other books include Care for Creation (Catholic Press Book Award 2010), The Emergent Christ (Catholic Press Book Award 2013) and Making All Things New: Catholicity, Cosmology and Consciousness nominated for the 2018 Grawemeyer award. Her books have been translated into Italian, Spanish, Portugeuse, Polish and German. In 2015, she became general editor of a new book series by Orbis Books called “Catholicity in an Evolving Universe” of which there are currently ten books scheduled for publication. She lectures nationally and internationally on topics including evolution, artificial intelligence, consciousness, culture and religion.
Dr. Delio’s work in Science and Religion is influenced by the Jesuit scientist, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955) who devoted his spiritual writing to bridging Christianity and evolution. Like Teilhard, she sees the essential need to integrate Science and Religion toward a new way of thinking, consonant with evolution. Her research interests focus on exploring divine action in a world of evolution, complexity, emergence, quantum reality and artificial intelligence. She continues to lecture and write on religion and evolution, catholicity, cosmology and culture, artificial intelligence and human becoming. Her work has a wide public audience and can be found on the website: www.christogenesis.org.”
Below is another wise reminder from Ryan Holiday who quotes Gandhi, Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius on how best to handle critiscim: own our imperfection.
No one likes to be found at fault. In fact, this is what many of us walk around fearing–that we’ll be exposed as imposters, we’ll be put on the spot in front of people, we’ll have to admit error. This makes us defensive, it makes us play it safe, and in some cases, it even makes us dishonest.
It’s a cure, you could say, that’s worse than the disease.
Gandhi, once being interviewed by a reporter, dispensed with all that. “I am very imperfect,” he said. “Before you are gone you will have discovered a hundred of my faults and if you don’t, I will help you to see them.” Why would he do such a thing? Perhaps it was because he knew that as a leader, egotism and an outsized sense of one’s abilities was dangerous and destructive. Perhaps he was inoculating himself against the fear in advance–taking away the power of the reporter to control Gandhi’s fate by disclosing up front what might otherwise be investigated (or even misconstrued).
There is a line from Epictetus who, after being criticized, joked “Yes, and he doesn’t know the half of it, because he could have said more.” It’s not that Epictetus had a bunch of bodies buried somewhere, it was that he had also inoculated himself against criticism by being more aware of his flaws–and more concerned about addressing them–than even his enemies.
Why should we be afraid of criticism? As Marcus Aureliuswrites, if that criticism is correct and we are in error thenthe person criticizing us has done us a favor by correcting it. If they are wrong, what do we care? More likely, if we are doing our job right, we should already be well aware of the issue that people are raising and already be fixing it. We should have no sense of ourselves as perfect or above critique. Nor should we be so fragile and vulnerable as to not be able to bear being disliked or disagreed with.
Thich Nhat Hanh is a 93 year old Vietnamese Buddhist monk who has been one of the most influential spiritual leaders on earth for the past fifty years. Here’s how far back he goes: Martin Luther King nominated him for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to end the Vietnam War.
He is best known for his beautiful, simple teachings about mindfulness. In that vein, here are four quotes of his that will help you become a better, happier human being.
1. “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
That’s it. Just be there. All of you. Listening. With no agenda. Just 100% present. With your spouse. Your kids. Your coworkers. Your friends.
Thich Nhat Hanh is right on the money here. Being present is the deepest gift we can bestow on anybody.
Eckhart Tolle, another of my favorite spiritual teachers, states the very same thing.
2. “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. When you are born a lotus flower, be a beautiful lotus flower, don’t try to be a magnolia flower. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to change yourself to fit what other people want you to be, you will suffer all your life. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself, having confidence in yourself.”
I am the father of 12, 10 and 4 year old kids and if I had to pick the number one thing I want to teach them it would be the sentiment behind this quote. Don’t fight yourself. Be yourself. Ralph Waldo Emerson expressed it in the most positive way: “Absolve you to yourself and you shall have the suffrage of the world.”
There is, however, one vital point on this subject of self-acceptance that I wish TNH, Emerson and others would emphasize, which is this: For most people, it takes courage.
Example: If your father is a macho ex-Marine, it takes courage to follow your inner compass that’s telling you to become a male ballet dancer.
Our families, our friends and society all pressure us to do what they think we should do. We have to summon the courage to say to all of them: “Sorry, but I’m the one living in here. I know what’s best for me and I need you to respect that.”
3. “The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.”
The first quote was about presence being the best thing we can do for others. This quote is about how presence is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
So much suffering in the world is caused by our worrying about the future. And what does worrying do? It takes us out of the present moment and makes us feel miserable.
We worry about the future and turn our backs on the present moment because we feel if we don’t, our future will be bleak. Well, how about this for an idea? If you’re worrying about having enough money to pay the rent, don’t spend your moments worrying about it. Place your moment to moment attention on making enough money to pay the rent.
But again, there is this insidious feeling in so many of us that worries that if we don’t worry things won’t work out. As if worrying will pay dividends for us. It’s crazy. And it’s not true.
What I’ve tried to do the past several years is live by the motto, “Be present and trust in life.” Because it does take a leap of faith to just say to yourself, “Screw it. I’m going to give everything I have to the present moments of my life and let the chips fall where they may.”
I can tell you that it’s definitely working for me and I know of nobody who truly lives life in the moment who has been ill-served by doing so. We just need the courage to toss the yoke of worrying by the wayside.
4. “Your breathing should flow gracefully, like a river, like a watersnake crossing the water, and not like a chain of rugged mountains or the gallop of a horse…Each time we find ourselves dispersed and find it difficult to gain control of ourselves by different means, the method of watching the breath should always be used.”
This one sums up the ultra-simple mindfulness technique for re-orienting ourselves after we’ve been knocked off track: We just come back to our breath.
I’m teaching a meditation and mindfulness course right now and my class is practicing this very technique this week. So simple, yet so powerful.
How do you do it? Example: You’re driving home after a tough day at work when the car behind you leans on the horn for five seconds because you didn’t signal when you changed into their lane; a minute later your teenage daughter calls and yells at you for not being home on time.
What do you do? At the next red light you stop. Close your eyes. Find your breath. Then start following it. Long, slow breaths. Just for a minute or so. When you open your eyes you’ll feel better and back on track.
If you don’t do this? There’s a good chance you’ll let these two irritating incidents affect your mood for the rest of the evening.
Finally, do yourself a favor and watch this interview with Oprah and Thich Nhat Hanh. The man just exudes goodness.
I don’t read a lot of poetry, but I do have a favorite author and one who is deeply appreciated by many: Emily Dickinson. She lived in Amherst, Massachusetts, in the latter part of the 19th century. She was shy and lived a very reclusive life. During her 55 years, she wrote over 1,500 poems which were filled with simple wisdom. Two examples of such wisdom: “Old age comes on suddenly, not gradually as it thought” and “Saying nothing sometimes says the most.”
Only a few dozen of her poems were published in her lifetime. When she died, her family found hundreds more hidden all over her room and throughout the house. I have found two of her poems supremely thoughtful. In fact, I frequently quote them in my funeral homilies. The first one I use is “I Never Saw a Moor.”
“I never saw a moor; I never saw the sea; Yet know I how the heather looks and what a wave must be. I never spoke with God nor visited in heaven, Yet, certain am I of the spot, as if the chart were given.”
Deep Truths
I catch people smiling when they hear Dickinson’s words because they touch on a truth that is in every believer’s heart. Isn’t it true that we’ve never seen heaven or had an audible conversations with God? Yet, as a people of faith, are we not certain of that heavenly “spot” as if we had a very map in front of us?
If you argued with a nonbeliever who begged you to prove there was an eternal destiny, you might find yourself fumbling for Scripture passages to prove heaven to him. But I suspect after all the Scripture passages we might quote, what would likely make the nonbeliever think more deeply would be a line from one of Dickinson’s poems: “I’m certain of that spot; it’s like I have a map right in front of me.”
There is another poem she wrote that startles with its simple truth. “Because I could not stop for Death– He kindly stopped for me– The Carriage held but just Ourselves– And Immortality.”
While most of us secretly hope for a peaceful death with loved ones surrounding us, for the majority, it is not we who “stop to die,” but death which stops for us. And within that carriage, in the seat across from us, sits immortality, with a lovely smile.
What I see in this poem is really a basic truth of faith. Once God gives life, it never ends. It can’t end because our lives are a sharing in the eternal life of God. The moment of death is just the last piece of mosaic that completes the story of our life’s journey. And every moment of that journey has been accompanied by a loving and providential God.
Dickinson said that she never went to church. She said that the birds were her choir and the sky her cathedral vault. But one thing is quite certain: She was a woman of deep faith.
Life Matters 