Author Archives: Patrick Cole

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About Patrick Cole

Husband, parent and writer. Sharing stories with a little humor and wisdom along the way.

Flaws and All – The Beginning of Authentic Love Highlights

Sometimes romantic love hurts so bad we may start to feel that it is beyond our ability. But maybe, we’re trying too hard.

Below are highlights from a provocative Lion’s Roar article. For the full article, see this link: https://www.lionsroar.com/authentic-love/

Authentic Love

Sumi Loundon Kim, a Yale University chaplain, weighs in on seeing and communicating clearly in love and marriage.

Just as with the spiritual path, when we let go of control, we learn to love the person for who he or she is, flaws and all. That’s the beginning of true love.

We imagine a kind of perfection

But after a few years or a few decades or maybe a few lifetimes of dedicated striving, we start to get the sense that our progress is terribly slow, given all the effort we’ve made. There are even times when we completely lose it, when anger or fear overtakes us even after all that practice. It’s disappointing.

When we let go of needing that person to be a certain way, when we let go of control, we find that as we do so we learn to love the person for who he or she is, flaws and all. That’s the beginning of true love, authentic love with another.

the key is in accepting ourselves and our partners for who we are.

as we learn to ease up on our demands and needs from others, we learn that love is not about fulfilling a need—a need to change what we don’t like about ourselves, for example—but about letting go of needs altogether.

Sumi Loundon Kim is the Buddhist chaplain at Yale University and founder of the Mindful Families of Durham. She is editor of the anthologies Blue Jean Buddha and The Buddha’s Apprentices, from Wisdom Publications, and the author of Sitting Together: A Family-Centered Curriculum on Mindfulness, Meditation, and Buddhist Teachings.

Today’s Inspirational Message from CAC

The Center for Action and Contemplation offers daily inspirational messages. Today’s is especially helpful to me. I hope it brings good news to you as well.

“O God of Love, Power, and Justice, Surprise us with the discovery of how much power we have to make a difference in our day.”
Rev. Dr. James A. Forbes 

In this practice, inspired by the words of the Rev. Dr. James A. Forbes, we are invited to remember the power we have to make change in the world.  

We invite you to slow your breathing and make space to recognize our capacity to make a difference. As we rest in stillness, we observe how even small actions—offering kindness, speaking truth, seeking fairness—can ripple outward in ways we may not yet see.  

Join us to journal or record your responses to the following questions: 

  • What small action can I offer today as a small act of kindness towards another?
  • What small action can I offer today as an act of speaking truth to myself
  • What small action can I offer today to bring fairness to a situation where I see it lacking?

See https://cac.org/

NON-HARMING

Lynn J Kelly provides us with another “pearl of wisdom” with her post below. As she says:

“We want to train ourselves to avoid acting (or speaking) when we are angry or displeased. The mind state comes before the action and can be worked with before any harming occurs. The Buddha put this practice first on his list of guidelines for training laypeople because it may be the primary way we harm ourselves and others.”

May we avoid harming ourselves and others more skillfully today. _/\_

Mass Hysteria and The Way of Tears

Yesterday, thousands of people, including my granddaughter, daughter, son-in-law and me, were part of an emotional stampede exiting a Dallas Convention Center thought to be attacked by a mass shooter. It turned out to be something far less threatening, yet there were many injuries and even more tears as parents tried to find their children during a contagious outbreak of mass hysteria. For more information see this news article: https://www.wfaa.com/article/news/local/dallas-county/downtown-dallas-texas-nca-cheerleader-competition-incident/287-5e8610ef-5b74-425e-b02f-da3d0f8f165a

I’m not a person that cries or screams but I still feel deep emotions, especially when many around me are overwhelmed with an existential fear for their children and themselves. During such crises, I get very focused on how to stay calm, how to collect loved ones and a safe place. Or, in other words, how to stay in the present moment and “make the main thing the main thing.” Fortunately, no one in our family was physically hurt and there were only a few cuts and scratches to my granddaughter’s team members incurred during their rush to safety. We are grateful for all of this.

Shakespeare wrote, “all’s well that ends well.” Julian of Norwich said, that ultimately, “all shall be well.” And of special comfort to me, Richard Rohr wrote the words shared below in his daily message: https://cac.org/daily-meditations/the-way-of-tears/

The Way of Tears Sunday, March 2, 2025

In his book The Tears of Things, Father Richard Rohr describes the path of tears as one that leads to sympathy with suffering and communion with reality.   

Are we the only animal that cries and sheds tears as an emotional response? It seems so, but what function do they serve for us? Jesus says we should be happy if we can weep (Luke 6:21), but why? Tears seem to appear in situations of sadness, happiness, awe, and fear—and usually come unbidden. What is their free message to us and to those who observe them? Has humanity gotten the message yet? Whatever it is, it’s surely a message too deep for words.  

In the first book of Virgil’s Aeneid (line 462), the hero Aeneas gazes at a mural depicting a battle of the Trojan War and the deaths of his friends and countrymen. He’s so moved with sorrow at the tragedy of it all that he speaks of “the tears of things” (lacrimae rerum). As Seamus Heaney translates it, “There are tears at the heart of things”—at the heart of our human experience. [1] Only tears can move both Aeneas and us beyond our deserved and paralyzing anger at evil, death, and injustice without losing the deep legitimacy of that anger.  

This phrase “the tears of things” has continued to be quoted and requoted in many contexts over centuries. We find it on war memorials, in poetry, in the music of Franz Liszt, and in Pope Francis’ recent encyclical letter Fratelli Tutti. (I myself remember it because of a haggard, bent-over Latin teacher who would often enter the classroom moaning “Lacrimae rerum” several times before he began quizzing us.) 

Because the phrase has no prepositions in Latin, it allows two meanings at the same time: Virgil seems to be saying that there are both “tears in things” and “tears for things.” And each of these tears leads to the other. Though translators often feel compelled to choose one or the other meaning, I believe the poet implies it is both.  

There’s an inherent sadness and tragedy in almost all situations: in our relationships, our mistakes, our failures large and small, and even our victories. We must develop a very real empathy for this reality, knowing that we cannot fully fix things, entirely change them, or make them to our liking. This “way of tears,” and the deep vulnerability that it expresses, is opposed to our normal ways of seeking control through willpower, commandment, force, retribution, and violence. Instead, we begin in a state of empathy with and for things and people and events, which just might be the opposite of judgmentalism. It’s hard to be on the attack when you are weeping.  

Prophets and mystics recognize what most of us do not—that all things have tears and all things deserve tears. The sympathy that wells up when we weep can be life changing, too, drawing us out of ourselves and into communion with those around us.  

References:  
[1] Seamus Heaney, shared in a 2008 essay broadcast on BBC Radio 3 as part of the Greek and Latin Voices series.  

Adapted from Richard Rohr, The Tears of Things: Prophetic Wisdom for an Age of Outrage (Convergent, 2025), 96, 3–4. 


Postscript: I wish you and yours a calm, safe and loving day today and in the days to come.

Small Steps Make a Huge Difference

“Every action we take with words or body has a component of intention. The smallest ethical action has the power to set us on the path to awakening. Inversely, when we behave in a harmful way, towards ourselves or others, it sets a trajectory in a direction it would be better not to go.”

I’ve seen the truth of the above statement in both directions.

For the full blog written by Lynn J Kelly, see the link below.

World Repair – Lynn J. Kelly

I am amazed at how much pain is being inflicted by the new U.S. president and his administration team. I am astounded that so many Americans want this pain to occur. Fortunately, there are others who are looking for ways to counteract this pain and stop the cruelty we see.

Lynn J. Kelly, offers some gentle advice on how to we might respond to these trying times. Below is a quote, and a link, to her full message. I think you will find this very helpful today and, in the days, to come.

“Once we have accepted the overwhelming dukkha that is the news of our world, what can we do? We can acknowledge that we are close to powerless to alleviate all the suffering that we see around us. However, we can each find a way to dedicate some of our energy to a healing activity.

Whatever we care about most will use our energy to best effect. We don’t have to feel helpless if we understand what we are doing and why. It is important to support both our mindfulness (internal) and something outside of ourselves that we care about (external).”

Memoir Analysis #5: Harrison Scott Key

http://www.amazon.com/How-Stay-Married-Insane-Story/

Harrison Scott Key, winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor, tells the shocking, “shot through with sharp humor” (The Washington Post), spiritually profound story of his journey through hell and back when infidelity threatens his marriage.Amazon.com summary.

Harrison Scott Key delivers another comic-tragedy and this is the most revealing of all. Another heart-wrenching memoir that addresses all the pain of betrayal and the struggle to survive.

Here are a few quick observations:

  • “Do I really care about three hundred pages on some stranger’s marriage? It turns out I did … There is an energy to HOW TO STAY MARRIED that I haven’t previously experienced in a memoir … Shot through with sharp humor” Jane Smiley, The Washington Post
  • Approximately 90k words spread over 38 chapters … just when you think it’s over, the pain and love and pain and forgiveness start all over again
  • “I read Harrison Scott Key’s hilarious, raw, bracing, profound memoir and have been recommending it to everyone I know. Read it! I’ve never read anything else quite like it.” Eleanor Barkhorn, The Atlantic

Key’s memoir of infidelity and forgiveness are presented in a realistic, painful yet hopeful way … and I speak with some experience on this topic. Yes, there’s some “god talk” included but not as much as you might think. Or, in other words, you’re likely to enjoy this book regardless of your faith or no faith perspective.

This book is definitely worth reading at least once. I’ve read it three times so far and find more humor and wisdom with each read.

One more memoir analysis to come within the next week. Please let me know if you have any questions on this or previous analyses offered.

To healing,

Patrick Cole

Memoir Analysis #4: Sloane Crosley

http://www.amazon.com/Grief-People-Sloane-Crosley

A best book of 2024 “, GRIEF IS FOR PEOPLE by Sloane Crosley is the fourth book and author selected for memoir analysis. It’s a heart-wrenching memoir that addresses the theft of family jewelry AND even more devastating, loss of a best friend to suicide.

Here are a few quick observations:

  • Is it wrong to say that a memoir about loss and grieving is fun to read? If so, I’m in trouble, because I enjoyed every word of this book. I also ached and suffered along with Sloane Crosley: Her portrait of mourning after the suicide of her best friend is gutting and deeply engaging.” Susan Orlean, author of The Orchard Thief,
  • It has approximately 57k words spread over 8 chapters.
  •  “Like Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking or Daniel Defoe’s A Journal of the Plague Year, Grief Is for People takes us through the ordinary, awful, and never-quite-ending experience of loss. It also made me laugh very hard, many times. I can’t stop thinking about it.” — John Mulaney

Unlike the three books previously reviewed, Crosley’s book offers a poignant, gallows humor, tale of two emotional losses in 2019 which were further exacerbated by the pandemic that hit the world and her NYC lifestyle.

While all our worlds were severely disrupted by Covid 19, Crosley’s, foggy upside-down, world began some six months earlier and still defines her life five years later. Perhaps time does heal but not nearly as fast as we would hope. This book is definitely worth reading now and in the future.

More successful memoirs will be reviewed in the weeks to come.